Your Eyes
by M'selle de Paris
Summary: Months after leaving Erik, Christine thinks back on and regrets her mistake. Warning not a happy ending. To the song 'Your Eyes', from Rent.


Was up late- again- and feeling inspired...so, without further ado- My Thoroughly Depressing Phic With That Song From Rent.

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Christine sat perched on the window seat, head against the cool glass, calming her as she stared out at the rain pelting down out of the darkening sky. Rain did always soothe her…perhaps because of Erik. She'd learned to appreciate things like that—rain, thunderstorms, the dark…

No! She tried desperately to tear her mind away from the one thing that was consuming her completely. It had been months, and she still couldn't stop thinking about him. It was a whole part of her life; now left behind—and without him completing that part, her life might as well have been over. She felt so empty, so alone…

She still couldn't get over everything. Every day, every hour, every minute…her thoughts would drift to the part of her mind she tried so desperately to keep locked up; the part that contained _him_. But when the day was over, after she'd worked so hard to keep living a normal life—well, any kind of life at all—there were times like these, when she had no power to hold in her emotions any longer. And she let herself think back to that fateful night when she'd left all that she lived for…

_Your eyes_

_As we said our goodbyes…_

Their kiss…their wonderful kiss…the one she'd waited so long to obtain. Then he'd melted down into something she'd never seen before. She was too much in shock to protest…but she had come back. Had he really wanted her to _leave_? She knew _she_ hadn't wanted to…so she returned. But the mere sight of him…when he looked up at her with those eyes…she'd had to leave him; to say goodbye…

_Can't get them out of my mind_

_And I find I can't hide_

_From your eyes…_

Oh, but his _eyes!_ They had so confused her… She remembered voicing those thoughts to Raoul, that night on the rooftop…_those pleading eyes, that both threaten and adore_…but now she knew better: it had only been adoration in those eyes. But there was mystery, too; and sorrow…and the pain of what he was doing, and the ache of letting her go. He knew he couldn't keep her, and it showed in his eyes. If only Christine had told him then! If only she had let him know how severely she'd wanted to stay—and still did. What she wouldn't do to go back…

_The ones that took me by surprise_

_The night you came into my life_

The night he'd entered her life, changing it forever…back when he'd been her Angel. How foolish she'd been—yet he loved her still. He almost loved her _for_ it—for her trust; her pure, sincere adoration. If only he knew she still felt that way…and even more strongly than ever.

_Where there's moonlight,_

_I see your eyes_

Looking out now, through the teardrops of rain on the window, she felt him—in the storm, in the dark, in the moonlight. And again, those eyes haunted her, almost suffocating her with desire… She could almost see his face in the dark—the face that, against all odds, had grown so…so beautiful to her; so familiar…

_How'd I let you slip away_

_When I'm longing so to hold you_

_Now I'd die for one more day…_

She couldn't breathe; she tore herself away from the sight that overwhelmed her so. The feeling she'd always known was present, looming just behind her conscious self, poured forth; drowning her in sorrow and agony. She felt the tears on her face, but still she held back…she couldn't let herself do this; it had been so _long_…why couldn't she just forget? She wished to wipe blank all her past…just let it die… By this point, she knew…she knew _she_ would gladly die herself. Oh, she would, she would—if there weren't still that tiny shred of hope of seeing him again…breathing in his entire presence; touching him, holding him…she'd never let him go… Why _had_ she left? She loathed herself with the utmost intensity she'd ever felt of any feeling, ever before…her hatred and regret at what she'd done was the strongest thing she had felt in her entire life. – Except…except the feeling she couldn't suppress—the love for him…

'_Cause there's something I should have told you_

_There's something I should have told you…_

She felt dizzier than ever; her vision blurred and she reached out to grip the end of the bed to keep herself from falling. Sitting down on the end, she tried to clear her thoughts. She couldn't live like this…no, she couldn't live knowing she hadn't taken the chance; had never told him—had never been the _sole person_ to ever tell him the feeling she felt—how she felt for him—the overwhelming adoration and indescribable love, of the kind that no one else could give to him. How could she go on?... She breathed heavily, steadying herself in her seat with both hands. She had to go back…she had to _tell_ him…she needed to be with him…

_When I look into your eyes_

_Why does distance make us wise?..._

_You were the song all along_

_And before the song dies…_

Everything was slowly coming together now—now, when it was too late… She knew now—he'd never stopped being her Angel; her Angel of music. _She_ wasn't the one Erik needed for his song…no, not her…it was him. He was the song…he was music…he was life itself… The song, his songs, his music—the music of the night… Christine could almost hear it playing still…his song…_him_…

She could hardly think how to breathe any longer. The sight in front of her—the moonlight—his eyes—disappeared into darkness; darkness.

She awoke just as dawn was breaking. The sight she opened her eyes to was one of the most beautiful she'd seen: every color in the world slowly, gently awakening with the sun; caressing the hilltops, but leaving the light and the world still shadowed in darkness. She knew this mixture of beauty and dark would appeal to Erik…

The peace she'd awoken with was shattered as she remembered her night. Once again the raw, dire feeling overpowered her and engulfed her in all its anguish.

She couldn't do this to herself…something _had_ to be done…but oh; what to do when feeling this way? She needed him…she needed Erik…

Slowly, shakily, she stood and went to the bedroom door, and out into the hall. Not quite knowing where she was going or what she was doing, she made her way to the front door. The small square glass pane framed the dark, wet street; shining from the night's rainfall. She stood just before the door, her hand on the knob; unsure of herself—unsure of everything she knew, and her entire being and existence. All she could think of was Erik. Oh, even just his _name_…

She moved to open the door, then realized she was standing on the day's paper. She knew not whether it was from just that morning—it seemed too early yet—or from the day before. She picked it up to move it out of the way—but something caught her eye.

_Oh, even just his _name_…_

There it was. His name, in the paper. Erik.

_I should tell you, I should tell you…_

Her heart was thudding warningly almost in her throat…she didn't dare take a breath as she dragged her eyes to the single sentence involving her light; her song; her life; her love…:

_I have always loved you…_

'Erik is dead.'

_You can see it in my eyes_

It fell from her hand, and she fell to the ground. The last word she felt her lips shape before the darkness was the name.

"_Erik..."

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Yes...so...Review. (And tell me if you caught that last 'Erik...' that's part of the song, in a way. If you know the song, that is.) 


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